Beyoncé Reportedly Had “Cooties” in 5th Grade

26 Jul

A private investigator hired by entertainment giant BET has uncovered an unpleasant and inconvenient truth regarding Beyoncé Knowles, America’s unofficial R&B media darling. Previously unpublicized medical records show that Knowles had once contracted the shameful “Cooties” infection via unorthodox playground techniques in her hometown of Houston, Texas circa 1991. Various examinations by prominent members of the medical community have concluded that the “Cootie” virus is still very much so active inside of Ms. Knowles’ body.  Jay-Z, the most notable of Beyonce’s partners has not done much to follow up on his own health regarding the “Cooties”, save for trying to attack said infection by brushing it off of his shoulder. What does this mean for humanity and the well being of our planet? I’ll tell you what it means: We’re all fucked.

Furthermore, press reports have indicated that Beyoncé and Jay-Z had been looking into purchasing a home in the upscale village of Scarsdale, New York, and they could have potentially spread the infection throughout the micro-city, which is known for its high-priced homes and wealthy residents.  This would inevitably result in the infection of countless stay-at-home-MILF’s and Lacoste wearing kindergardeners. Although a supposedly effective treatment for the “Cooties” has been in the works for decades now, the future is looking grim for both Beyoncé and anybody who has come in contact with her impeccable rump.


One Response to “Beyoncé Reportedly Had “Cooties” in 5th Grade”


  1. Keri Hilson: “I’m Too Smart To Date A Rapper” « - December 14, 2010

    […] Oh werd? Soulja Boy and his 30 Thousand 100 Million not doing it for you? “When you mix a man who has popularity, who has money, who has b*tches, that’s a scary thing for me. It doesn’t speak to my insecurities, it’s just not the type of man that I want and I think I’m not the type of girl they want. I have a brain, I’m a little more than they bargained for.” Oh yeah.  Her new album is also called “No Boys Allowed.”  Sounds like the sign my ten year old cousin put up on the front door of her backyard treehouse. Here’s to cootie shots. (Speaking of that…Beyonce Had Cooties?) […]

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