Who the fuck is Steven Holmes?

6 Aug

The headline says it all: who is this man of mystery?  Some would say he’s the luckiest man on Twitter.  When Kanye West launched his account last week (welcome to the 21st century, bro), he apparently decided to follow just one person: some weirdo 19 year old college student by the name of Steven Holmes from Coventry, England.  After only one hour, the life of Mr. Steven Fucking Holmes had forever changed.  In casual terms, the guy’s life blew up.  His follower count grew from 60 to 1000 in just a handful of minutes.  All eyes were on this one guy — probably the most average, down-to-earth, commonplace person in the world and the most random choice for Mr. West to follow.  But as we all soon learned, he couldn’t handle the stress.  His life was transforming before his own eyes.

It all started with one tweet: “@kanyewest do you clean them with colgate or polish?” Kanye saw Steven’s message and must have felt love at first 160 characters.  Soon though, things took a turn for the worse:

  • July 31, 1:49 PM – @kanyewest holy shit bro thx for following!
  • July 31, 3:40 PM – Is this the American dream? (even though I’m English) haha
  • July 31, 5:20 PM – So much pressure on my tweets!
  • Aug. 2, 12 PM – This has been completely surreal and I really have no desire for this attention i’m just a normal person.
  • Aug. 2, 12:42 PM – I won’t be speaking to anybody else, surprisingly not everyone wants to be famous. That’s all I’m saying – peace out x
  • Aug. 2, 12:51 PM – Just to clarify, I mean I won’t be speaking to any more press/journalists

Let’s quickly recap the timeline of Steven Holmes’ relevant life: Holmes tweets at Kanye West, Kanye West logs onto twitter, sees some punk tweeted at him, and decides to make said punk’s life absurd.

We’re going to go ahead and say it – Steven Holmes, you sir are an idiot. Kanye West has nearly half a million followers on twitter, and at this point in modern American life most of those people are glued to their computers to follow the rap stars every move just to see if he takes a shit or something.

If Kanye followed @whattherap, it would be game over.  We honestly wouldn’t leave the blog command center for a week. Our only contact with the outside world would be with WTR groupies, the pizza delivery guy, and KANYE’S 500 THOUSAND FOLLOWERS. Yeah that’s right Holmes, people want to check your page to see just what sets you apart from the rest of the social networking world (not much, the dude is blowing it).

This site would go global faster than you could say whattherap.  Steven Holmes, if you’re out there: hang tight my man. The world is at your fingertips. If you play your cards right you’ll never have to work a day in your life. Let’s see a reality TV show come out of this. And hey, if you really want out, tell Kanye (since he seems to listen to you of all people for some reason) to redirect his affection over towards whattherap.

"Hey Holmes, pull yourself together and realize that Kanye just set you up for LIFE."


One Response to “Who the fuck is Steven Holmes?”


  1. UPDATE: Kanye West Now Follows Oprah « - November 4, 2010

    […] may remember our confusion about Kanye’s twitter choices in a post titled Who the Fuck is Steven Holmes?  To summarize, for some damn reason Ye was following this clown of an English college student. […]

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