Brian Scalabrine Insulted by Ron Artest’s “Champions”; Responds with Rap Album

8 Aug

At the conclusion of June’s NBA Finals, Lakers journeyman forward Ron Artest had finally realized a dream.  “First of all, I want to thank everyone from my hood,” he declared in a postgame interview, “and to my psychiatrist: thank you, you really helped me relax a lot, it helped a lot, and I nailed that three just like you told me.”  Known primarily for his defensive prowess, in manner of celebration the Queens native put on display one of his less-heralded talents, producing a rap music video titled “Champions.”

Artest’s counterpart throughout the Finals series may have been Boston star Paul Pierce, an eight-time All Star and ’08 Finals MVP, but backup Brian Scalabrine was the most outspoken of Celtics players when it came to Artest’s postseason music production.  Known best for his ability to commit fouls in bunches during late-game periods, the “Red Scare” is no stranger to dramatic championship series, having been a key member (ha) of the New Jersey Nets playoff runs from 2001-2004.

No, this is not a leprechaun. This, unfortunately, is Brian Scalabrine.

Normally calm, cool, and collected, something snapped when Scalabrine first heard Artest’s boastful rhymes.  “It’s just not good sportsmanship,” the 9 year vet explained.  “It’s mean.  It’s naughty.  I don’t like it.”

According to an unofficial player’s poll conducted this past winter, the former University of Southern California Trojan was voted “Whitest Player in the NBA,” and rather than work to dispel this notion on the court (no offense to Steve Nash, David Lee, and any other successful Caucasian baller) Scalabrine took his 235 pounds of solid muscle to the studio.  “If Artest can rap, so can I.  Shaq did it.  In high school they called me Baby Shaq.  Say I won’t!”

Although he remains unsigned for the 2010-2011 NBA season, Scalabrine is optimistic about his future.  “Lebron, D-Wade and Bosh are pretty good,” he recently stated in an exclusive interview with WTR, “but they need some white chocolate down there in Miami.  Forget ‘Miami Thrice’ or whatever they’re being called.  It’s about to be the ‘Barbershop Quartet’ once the Heat sign B-Scal.”

The lack of offseason training camp has given Scalabrine time to work on his self-produced album, which is rumored to be titled either I’m Brian Scalabrine and You’re Not or Ron Artest Can S*** My D***.  The record is set to drop in late April, just before the 2011 playoffs when “B-Scal” knows his services will be called upon.  “Hell yeah, I’ll be offered a contract by May,” the self-proclaimed “White Wonder” states.  “Do I want to commit to another championship-caliber team? I’m not sure.  I do love dropping buckets in game 7.  But I can confidently say at this point in my career that I’d rather be on tour.”

If this track from “Scal-nilla Ice” is any indication of things to come, we’re talking triple platinum.

Brian Scalabrine on not playing in NBA Finals.

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