Exclusive WTR Report: The Ballad of Kevin Douglas

10 Aug

79-year old Kevin Douglas lives a nice life by many people’s standards. He has retired after working many years for a well-paying job. He has two healthy and successful children, with a grandchild on the way.  He also has a tightly knit group of family and friends who he is able to see often. However, the world is seemingly not enough for Douglas, who recently reached out to a local Chicago newspaper is a moment absolute desperation. The letter reads as follows,

To whom it may concern,

I am a simple man.
I do not need more than my fair share.
I only ask one favor of this world:

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE!?

Douglas, who is fiercely anti-technology, does not even own a computer. (If he did, he could probably find tutorial videos on youtube). Instead, he writes letters to newspapers and magazines run by middle aged white men, who have never heard any hip-hop song other than Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” or Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.” Douglas, who similarly does not own an ipod, can only listen to the song when it comes on the radio. When the song is played, Douglas will apparently drop whatever he is doing and run to the radio, listening for any clues that will bring him closer to his goal. Douglas also notes that this predicament is especially painful on a personal level, seeing how his close friends have always called him “Dougie.”

When asked for an interview, Douglas’s wife, who came close to divorcing her husband after Soulja Boy released “Crank That,” told WTR that she has “no comment.”

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