Bruno Mars Puts Himself in the Most Preposterous Situations Possible in an Effort to Declare His Love for a Woman

16 Dec

In his latest hit “Grenade,” Bruno Mars romantically expresses the multiple ways in which he would put himself in harm’s way with no regard for his own safety as a profession of love for his girl.

Except he does it in the most ridiculous, unrealistic way possible.

Let’s examine his dangerous encounters throughout the lyrics:

Exhibit A: “I’d catch a grenade for ya.”

Doubtful, mostly due to the fact, Bruno, that you don’t participate in modern warfare.  And to be honest I’m not even sure how often grenades are used these days.  Last time I hear about grenades was those Jersey Shore clowns talking about ugly chicks.  Besides, why the hell would you catch a grenade? Those things explode.

Exhibit B: “Throw my head on a blade for ya.”

Alright, I can say with the almost near certainty that guillotines are no longer used as a form of punishment.  As far as I know this isn’t 18th century France and Louis VXI is not in power.  Ever heard of Barack Obama? Pretty sure he outlawed guillotines.

Exhibit C: “I’d jump in front of a train for ya.”

What fucking era of time do you live in where grenades, guillotines, and trains have all been invented already?

Exhibit D: “I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain.”

Now, now, let’s not get excited. Take a look at yourself. No chance you encounter any sort of situation where guns are drawn.

"Check out my new Fedora, y'all! That'a a fancy shmancy way of saying felt hat! Yay!"

Exhibit E: “If my body was on fire, ooh, you’d watch me burn down in flames.”

So where exactly do you envision yourself catching fire? Are we talking spontaneous combustion here? Of course I remember watching that video in 9th grade chemistry about people randomly catching on fire but I’m pretty sure that was just Mrs. Mackay trying to scare the shit out of us.  And if this did by any chance take place, what kind of person would watch someone literally burn to death without calling for help? And why would you want to be romantically involved with that psycho?

"Caught the grenade! P.S. check out my fedora!"

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